This month....

This month is a hard month. This month marks something that I have been surrounded by most of my Damn life. Breast Cancer. Mom was first Diagnosed with Breast Cancer two days after I was born. Of course I don't remember all that happened than, the first I can remember, was when I was about 9. I remember Mommy not being around very much, and being in the hospital, and spending a lot of time with my father, sadly the only reason I remember because that is when the abuse kicked in full force. It was a terrible time of the year for me and part of my life. I wanted so badly to escape, and all I could remember was that I just wanted my mommy to come home and take care of me again. 

This month is breast cancer awareness month. I support finding a cure because I really hope that there will eventually be a cure. So it prevents someone from having to go through what I have gone through. Losing a parent to this disease, to having gone through it myself. I was lucky that I caught it extremely early and didn't have to go through the chemo or the radiation thank god, because I don't think I could handle going through that, I don't feel strong enough to go through that. 

This is a hard time right now too, because I was in a car accident a couple of nights ago. I have been having really bad nightmares since that night, I was in a car accident a couple of years ago, and woke up to my worst nightmare. I lost my daughter in the last accident I was in, this just triggered so many bad memories. I have been trying to sleep, but it has been hard. 

Well I guess that is it for now. I haven't written in a long time, so I thought I should at least write one journal. 

Thanks for reading. 

Nightmare..

As most know, I lost my daughter at the age of four months old to a drunk driver. We were on our way home from wal-mart, and hit less than a mile from our house. She was killed instantly.

Well last night I had one of the worst night mares I have had in such a Long time....I had the dream that we were in the accident, but this time she didn't die instantly, she was injured really bad and was in a medically induced coma.

People from all around my town who I had known were coming to see me and her, and giving us prayers, and shit like that, and my mom was still alive and was staying with me the entire time. Doctors kept telling me and mom that my daughter was never going to recover, and that the best thing for everyone was to turn off the machines. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. No matter what everyone was saying, and what everyone was telling me, I could not do it.

I woke up screaming and my brother trying to wake me up, it was so scary and for a second I totally forgot that i had lost my daughter. Than it hit me, and I just laid back down in bed, and cried myself back to sleep.

It was one of the worse nightmares I have had in such a long time. I'm so depressed today. I miss her so much, and its so hard.

Today...

Today is one of those days that I am just so mad at everyone and everything. I'm mad at my mom for leaving me. I am mad at my ex for not being there when I needed him. I am mad at the man who got behind a wheel drunk and took my daughter from me. I am mad at myself for being the person that I am. Today I am fighting depression hard, I am fighting the urge to hurt myself, I am fighting the tears. I am just having a terrible day. I had a bad night, and it just has been a hard time, and its getting harder right now. I just feel worthless, I just want to drink it all away.

Can't stop crying....

So on the 13th I got the call that I was so scared to ever get...I was told that I had breast cancer from my doctor. Today I was talking to an old friend. We have known each other for a few years now, I have been there for her, through so much, and she has been there for everything that life has thrown my way... She told me to go to youtube and listen to the song "I'm gonna Love you through  it" by Martina McBride. I had herd the song before, but I took the time to actually listen to the song, and it hit me, it hit me really fucking hard... Now all I can do is sit here, and cry...I don't know what to do. I wish so much my mom was here. I need her so bad right now... I saw 1st hand, what making the choice to fight the cancer can do to a family, do to the people that you Love, and honestly, it was not a good thing, I just can't help but wonder, if it would just be easier to do nothing, to just not fight it. I mean, I don't know what to do. I am so scared, and I feel SO fucking alone right now...

 

~Cries~ 

Finding Out I have cancer..

 just found out yesterday that I have breast cancer. I am feeling extremely depressed and all alone. My mom got diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 19, shortly after she had me. I am now 22 and finding out after discovering a lump about 4 months ago, I had been avoiding going because I was so scared, now I am even more scared. I just don't know what to do right now... I'm feeling very depressed and unsure if I even want to fight it right now. Its just a while lot to take in at the moment.... .

....

It has been six months since i have cut.....and between last night and tonight the urges are beyond impossible to handle...Its been six fucking months since I have cut, but tonight and last night the urges are beyond impossible to handle... I fucking hate this shit. I thought I was out of the clear.... But I guess not....its an addiction I know that....but damnit...I feel like I am going crazy...I just can't do this...the urges are beyond tempting....

I am not writing this to get the attention. I am not getting this for people to pity me, I am writing this because I need to get it out. I can't be the strong one right now. I can't be the one who holds it together. I have been doing that all fucking day....pretending to be okay, pretending to be strong, pretending that I'm fine. Well I'm not fine. I don't know if its the medication , if its me, or what it is.... all I know is that I'm scared, and I am not okay....

For my close friends....and the people that I Love the most...Please don't be mad i posted this here instead of telling you directically....its my way....its the only way I know how to....how to vent.... I'm sorry....

Tonight....

Tonight I went from being happy, to all of a sudden I just feel like crawling into bed and never getting out of it again. I don't think there is any reason or anything, its just feels this way. Its a big part of the Bipolar getting to me. *sigh* I am just going to head to bed, before things get worse.