Bad night

Last night was the worst night I have had in so long. I ended up crying myself to sleep last night. I missed Emily so much last night. More than I have in a very Long time. It just hit me like a ton of bricks Just out of no where. it hit me, and I could not get a hold of myself to save my life last night.

I watched Make it or break it Pretty much all night last night. It was the one thing that comforts me right now. I just can't seem to pull out of this hole. I just want to push everyone away right now. I want to be alone and deal with this on my own, because right now, I feel like no one in the WORLD understands the pain that I am feeling right now.

This morning I woke up, and the pain in my heart hurt so much that I didn't even want to call the one person who helps me through all of this pain. How terrible is that? Its one of the Worst feelings in the world, and I hate feeling this way. I hate not knowing if I am going to be okay.

Right now, I am just sitting here, avoiding conversation, afraid to open up, and trust again. Afraid to let someone in. Let someone else know the extent of my pain that I am feeling right now. Its been almost three years since I lost her. I should be over it by now. At least that is what everyone thinks, but if they were in my shoes, would they be over it? Maybe they would be. Maybe I am just too weak to let go, and move on, and deal with this....

My heart is breaking, and I just don't know what to do, or what to think or anything anymore. I just feel like the pain is never going to end, and that Its always going to hurt this bad. I would give anything to be free from this pain and this hurt that I am feeling right now. Its killing me inside, and I feel like I can't escape at all.

Life is not suppose to be this hard. Its not suppose to suck this bad. You should not wake up every morning, wishing you didn't. You shouldn't go through the day thinking, that life would be better for the people around you if you weren't in it.

Life is suppose to be a good experience, its suppose to be something Joyous with an occasion of bad shit. Not a life filled with bad shit, with the occasion of joyous experiences. I just want it to get better, and its not. And I'm starting to think it never will.

*sigh*