Well last night, I didn't sleep well at all. I think it was more, I was afraid to sleep. The nightmares have started to come back, and they have really been shaking me up big time. I know they are not real, but still they shake me up pretty bad. I stayed in bed most of the night just reading my book "harry potter and the sorcerer's stone" till about Nine in the morning, than I started getting sick. I was up all day throwing up, or sleeping. I have spent pretty much the whole day in bed, or in the bathroom, it has not been fun at all. I hate being sick more than anything. My body is aching now. This is the 1st time that I am up and out of bed for the day. And its almost 11pm tonight. :( Sigh. Being sick sucks ass...
Guess I'm not in the mood to do a Lot of writing tonight. I have so much on my mind, but its not like anyone really reads what I write, or cares for that matter, so at this point I feel like I am just writing and talking to myself, and UGH. I just feel like shit. I want a HUG! Damnit to hell... I'm done.
I need to get laid. Not just for the sex, well maybe some of it is just for the sex, but I need to feel that connection with someone again. I am head over heals in Love with the most amazing man in the world and have been for over three years now. The only thing is, he is thousands of Miles away from me. The phone sex is fucking awesome, but after we are done, and we both have 'finished' I feel that depression seeking in. I feel that crash coming. I feel how depressed I am getting, and its because I WANT MORE...I want to be held, I want to be in someone's arms. I miss sex, I will not lie, and a Lot has changed since the last time I had sex, and there is SO much more I want to try, So much more I want to do. So much More I want to experience, but its more than just the sex. I want that Nice feeling, that safety feeling, the feeling like everything in the world has just come to a stop.
I want him here. I want to wake up tomorrow and my world be complete. I want him here, in my bed, with me, and still Loving me. I want to call him on my way home from work and tell him, I'm on my way home, is there anything he needs me to stop and get. I want us to be together. I hate the distance. I am getting sick of waiting, but I will wait till I take my last breath if I have to.
Well I guess that is all I have to say right now... I'm just venting more I guess..
Below will be something I wrote Earlier tonight...
Tonight we are having dinner, my brother, myself, and my roommate. Someone brought up our Mom, I don't remember who, and my brother went off on me. He started saying that its my fault Mom is dead, and its my fault she didn't try enough to live, that if I wasn't grieving the loss of my daughter, that she would have tried harder, and fought her cancer harder, that she would still be here, but she wanted to escape me, and my depression, and my grief. I can't take this pain in my heart. It hurts so much to know that my own brother, the only family I fucking have left, Blames me for our Mother's death! I am hurting SO much tonight. I have tired to hard to do everything I could after our Mom died. I dropped out of school, I took on the house hold. I have tried everything I could to make my brother's life as easy as possible, and Now he is just BLAMING me for Mom's death! Like I could have controlled it! I was there for her, every fucking step of the way, through all the treatments, through all the therapies, through all of the test, and the chemo, and I was there when she started losing her hair again, and she was depressed, I am the one who stayed nights at the hospital, so she wouldn't be alone, and I am the one who had to grant my mother's wishes, and bring her home to die. I am the one who was holding her hand when she died! I begged her to stay alive. I begged her to not give up. I did everything i could, but it wasn't enough. It was never enough, Now my own brother thinks its my fault. I don't know how to deal with this!
Now for what I have to say....
I am hurt. I am Angry. I am mad...I am upset....My brother. The person who I Love the most in the world right now, has hurt me in ways, I never thought I could be hurt...
I mean, to actually have him tell me, its my fault our mother is dead. that really fucking hurts... Tonight I feel like cutting, not just a small cut either.
I feel like slicing my wrist open and just running away, till i lose too much blood, and I'm dead. It would be so much better than this fucking pain right now
Past few days have been hell, It has been that time of the month, and I have just been in a world full of pain, and a world full of hurt right now. I feel like I don't want even get into bed. I just can't take it much more. On top of the pain, I am also more depressed than I have been in a couple of weeks. I can't stand it anymore. I am fighting urges to cut, and fighting urges not to just break down and cry. Its hard....
I am exhausted, and just wore out. I am tired of being so damn tired lately, I just have no energy to do anything, and no patience to get through the pain. I just want to sleep all the time right now. its hard, I feel like I am not giving the ones I Love enough attention, and showing them enough Love.
The holidays are so hard. I miss Mom and Emily so much.... My brother won't be around this Christmas he is going away with his girlfriend. Its so hard. I just hate being alone. Sure I have my roommate and her boyfriend here, but it just is not the same right now.
Oh life is just being a pain right now. I am trying to keep myself together, and not break down, but as it gets closer to the end of the month, I start getting more and more depressed...I can't believe its been almost three years since I lost my daughter....It seems like just yesterday, I was waking up in the hospital and having my mom telling me that Emily didn't make it...Its very hard on me...I try and stay strong and put on a smile, but at the same time, I feel like I don't deserve to be happy...
I am learning right now, that there are not a whole lot of people you can trust in this world anymore. I am learning that when shit hits the fan, people's true colors tend to come out, and I am not liking a lot of what I am seeing right now. Its like, really. If you are going to be this person than I really don't want anything to do with you.
I was called a bitch today, and you know what, it didn't hurt me, it didn't upset me, hell it didn't even bother me, because I was called a bitch for stating a fact. I was called a bitch, for saying something I believed, and you know what, now I think of it, if that is what makes someone a Bitch, than I am glad to be bitch. I have no problem being a bitch.
Today is already looking to be better than yesterday was. I had a scare this morning, I couldn't find my fucking debit card, only to find out my fucking roommate threw it in the fucking trash. Ugh, I was so pissed, but I found it, thank goodness. I would have had a breakdown if I lost it, because its my only source of income right now.
Well I am heading off to get ready for work now. I am glad that I have work to escape tonight... Thanks to anyone who has been reading....
I don't like drama. I never have. I never will. I hate seeing it happen, and I hate even more being part of it. Now two bitches have practically dragged me into bullshit, middle fucking school drama, and I can't take it any fucking more!
These BITCHES...Won't leave me the fuck alone...One keeps texting me, and the other one, if she doesn't like what I have to say, she fucking goes after me, and attacks me some more! I can't fucking take it anymore!
I don't like being attacked. I don't like feeling this way. I was just sticking up for a friend, which i ALWAYS do, and what does it cost me...Pain...Hurt...Betrayal, and BULLSHIT...I never fucking Deserved this shit! I just am breaking apart! I am losing it...I just can't take it anymore!!!
Tonight i am just about to lose it. I am trying to keep my cool. I am trying to stay calm, but all I want to do is hurt someone, maybe myself, I don't know. I just know I can't take this crap anymore.
Today has been hell to say the least, and now this is happening again...Are they doing it because they know they are getting to me...Are they doing this because they KNOW its hurting me...Are they doing this for fun, because it gives them something to fucking do. I don't know. I just don't know about anything or anyone anymore....
:(
I just want to crawl into daddy's arms, and have him hold me as I cry...
Last night was hell. That is the only way to describe the pain that I was in all freaking night long. I have never felt so fucking hurt, and so beytrayed by people who "Love" me in so damn long. I let my guard down and got hurt, BIG TIME....I did what I always did. I stood by a friend when he was being attacked, and hurt, and in the end, it just costing me two people who I was very close to. last night, having it hit me. I completely broke down. I was crying Hysterically, and just could not get a hold of myself to save my Life. The girls who deleted me for being friends with someone else were like sisters to me...and to have them just throw me away, I couldn't handle it last night...Last night, the Emotional pain to got to be more than I could handle and I ended up cutting last night for the 1st time in a Long time. I needed to escape the pain in my heart. Escape the worthless feelings that I was facing. I felt like No one wanted me, I felt like I wasn't good enough to be wanted anymore...It hurt so much. I just couldn't handle it.
Than last night, I just had the worst nightmares in the world. I needed to escape the feeling, but I didn't know how. I tried crying. That just made it worse. I tried talking but that just hurt the people around me. I tried to escape through music, and facebook games but that didn't help either. Nothing was working, so I just ended up cutting last night. I hate that it got to that point, I just didn't know what else to do.
Today I am not feeling much better at all, but today, I have to put on a smile, and act like everything is fine. Today, I have to hide how terrible I am feeling inside, and just do what I have to do. I know I shouldn't let the girls hurt me like this, as daddy says, Just try to forget it, let it roll off my shoulders, but it is so much harder than that, and I wish people would realize that... I am not the type of person who can take an emotional blow like than, and just be fine. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I get hurt...BAD....I care too much about my friends, and about the ones who I love, and a Lot of time it leaves me feeling completely wounded....
