*Sigh*

Below will be something I wrote Earlier tonight...


Tonight we are having dinner, my brother, myself, and my roommate. Someone brought up our Mom, I don't remember who, and my brother went off on me. He started saying that its my fault Mom is dead, and its my fault she didn't try enough to live, that if I wasn't grieving the loss of my daughter, that she would have tried harder, and fought her cancer harder, that she would still be here, but she wanted to escape me, and my depression, and my grief. I can't take this pain in my heart. It hurts so much to know that my own brother, the only family I fucking have left, Blames me for our Mother's death! I am hurting SO much tonight. I have tired to hard to do everything I could after our Mom died. I dropped out of school, I took on the house hold. I have tried everything I could to make my brother's life as easy as possible, and Now he is just BLAMING me for Mom's death! Like I could have controlled it! I was there for her, every fucking step of the way, through all the treatments, through all the therapies, through all of the test, and the chemo, and I was there when she started losing her hair again, and she was depressed, I am the one who stayed nights at the hospital, so she wouldn't be alone, and I am the one who had to grant my mother's wishes, and bring her home to die. I am the one who was holding her hand when she died! I begged her to stay alive. I begged her to not give up. I did everything i could, but it wasn't enough. It was never enough, Now my own brother thinks its my fault. I don't know how to deal with this!


Now for what I have to say....


I am hurt. I am Angry. I am mad...I am upset....My brother. The person who I Love the most in the world right now, has hurt me in ways, I never thought I could be hurt...


I mean, to actually have him tell me, its my fault our mother is dead. that really fucking hurts... Tonight I feel like cutting, not just a small cut either.


I feel like slicing my wrist open and just running away, till i lose too much blood, and I'm dead. It would be so much better than this fucking pain right now


*Sigh*