This month....

This month is a hard month. This month marks something that I have been surrounded by most of my Damn life. Breast Cancer. Mom was first Diagnosed with Breast Cancer two days after I was born. Of course I don't remember all that happened than, the first I can remember, was when I was about 9. I remember Mommy not being around very much, and being in the hospital, and spending a lot of time with my father, sadly the only reason I remember because that is when the abuse kicked in full force. It was a terrible time of the year for me and part of my life. I wanted so badly to escape, and all I could remember was that I just wanted my mommy to come home and take care of me again. 

This month is breast cancer awareness month. I support finding a cure because I really hope that there will eventually be a cure. So it prevents someone from having to go through what I have gone through. Losing a parent to this disease, to having gone through it myself. I was lucky that I caught it extremely early and didn't have to go through the chemo or the radiation thank god, because I don't think I could handle going through that, I don't feel strong enough to go through that. 

This is a hard time right now too, because I was in a car accident a couple of nights ago. I have been having really bad nightmares since that night, I was in a car accident a couple of years ago, and woke up to my worst nightmare. I lost my daughter in the last accident I was in, this just triggered so many bad memories. I have been trying to sleep, but it has been hard. 

Well I guess that is it for now. I haven't written in a long time, so I thought I should at least write one journal. 

Thanks for reading. 

Nightmare..

As most know, I lost my daughter at the age of four months old to a drunk driver. We were on our way home from wal-mart, and hit less than a mile from our house. She was killed instantly.

Well last night I had one of the worst night mares I have had in such a Long time....I had the dream that we were in the accident, but this time she didn't die instantly, she was injured really bad and was in a medically induced coma.

People from all around my town who I had known were coming to see me and her, and giving us prayers, and shit like that, and my mom was still alive and was staying with me the entire time. Doctors kept telling me and mom that my daughter was never going to recover, and that the best thing for everyone was to turn off the machines. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. No matter what everyone was saying, and what everyone was telling me, I could not do it.

I woke up screaming and my brother trying to wake me up, it was so scary and for a second I totally forgot that i had lost my daughter. Than it hit me, and I just laid back down in bed, and cried myself back to sleep.

It was one of the worse nightmares I have had in such a long time. I'm so depressed today. I miss her so much, and its so hard.

Today...

Today is one of those days that I am just so mad at everyone and everything. I'm mad at my mom for leaving me. I am mad at my ex for not being there when I needed him. I am mad at the man who got behind a wheel drunk and took my daughter from me. I am mad at myself for being the person that I am. Today I am fighting depression hard, I am fighting the urge to hurt myself, I am fighting the tears. I am just having a terrible day. I had a bad night, and it just has been a hard time, and its getting harder right now. I just feel worthless, I just want to drink it all away.

Can't stop crying....

So on the 13th I got the call that I was so scared to ever get...I was told that I had breast cancer from my doctor. Today I was talking to an old friend. We have known each other for a few years now, I have been there for her, through so much, and she has been there for everything that life has thrown my way... She told me to go to youtube and listen to the song "I'm gonna Love you through  it" by Martina McBride. I had herd the song before, but I took the time to actually listen to the song, and it hit me, it hit me really fucking hard... Now all I can do is sit here, and cry...I don't know what to do. I wish so much my mom was here. I need her so bad right now... I saw 1st hand, what making the choice to fight the cancer can do to a family, do to the people that you Love, and honestly, it was not a good thing, I just can't help but wonder, if it would just be easier to do nothing, to just not fight it. I mean, I don't know what to do. I am so scared, and I feel SO fucking alone right now...

 

~Cries~ 

Finding Out I have cancer..

 just found out yesterday that I have breast cancer. I am feeling extremely depressed and all alone. My mom got diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 19, shortly after she had me. I am now 22 and finding out after discovering a lump about 4 months ago, I had been avoiding going because I was so scared, now I am even more scared. I just don't know what to do right now... I'm feeling very depressed and unsure if I even want to fight it right now. Its just a while lot to take in at the moment.... .

....

It has been six months since i have cut.....and between last night and tonight the urges are beyond impossible to handle...Its been six fucking months since I have cut, but tonight and last night the urges are beyond impossible to handle... I fucking hate this shit. I thought I was out of the clear.... But I guess not....its an addiction I know that....but damnit...I feel like I am going crazy...I just can't do this...the urges are beyond tempting....

I am not writing this to get the attention. I am not getting this for people to pity me, I am writing this because I need to get it out. I can't be the strong one right now. I can't be the one who holds it together. I have been doing that all fucking day....pretending to be okay, pretending to be strong, pretending that I'm fine. Well I'm not fine. I don't know if its the medication , if its me, or what it is.... all I know is that I'm scared, and I am not okay....

For my close friends....and the people that I Love the most...Please don't be mad i posted this here instead of telling you directically....its my way....its the only way I know how to....how to vent.... I'm sorry....

Tonight....

Tonight I went from being happy, to all of a sudden I just feel like crawling into bed and never getting out of it again. I don't think there is any reason or anything, its just feels this way. Its a big part of the Bipolar getting to me. *sigh* I am just going to head to bed, before things get worse.

Missing My Mom & My Daughter.

I am missing mom. I miss her smell, and her hugs, and her voice, and advice. How I could turn to her when I needed advice and she always knew what to say. How she never judged me no matter what I was doing or who I was with, or what kind of life I was living. She was always, Loving, and supporting, and just my best friend.

I had a moment today, where I remembered when it came out that I was pregnant. She knew I was pregnant before I did. It was about a week before I went to the doctors, and I was sitting home one day, and she came up to me, and said "Your pregnant aren't you" and my response "What the fuck are you smoking, I aint fucking knocked up" she goes, yes you are, and we are making a doctors appointment. I basically told her it was a waste of money, because I wasn't pregnant, well guess what, a week later, we go to the doctors, guess who was right? Mom was! She was so excited, more excited than I was. She was never mad at me, or thinking I was throwing away my life. I was 18, but I was mature for my age, I had to be. She was so excited. She was there for me through my whole pregnancy, and was there for when I gave birth, and even after I gave birth. I quit my job, and she and I raised my daughter. She was the most spoiled little girl in the world, She was my everything, and my mom loved spending time with her. Her father was around, but not as much.  When I got into the car accident, and my daughter was killed, my mom was almost as devastated as I was. She was supportive for me, she was there, holding my hand, walking me through everything. She never once said "it happened for a reason" or "She is in a better place now" when I would talk and say how much I miss her, she would say, I know, and life sucks ass for taking her from you. mom dealt with everything, because I was in capable of doing so. The funeral was the day after Christmas, and I was sent home from the Hospital Christmas eve. It was a terrible time of the year.

In Mid January mom got sick, and collapsed at the grocery store. She was rushed to the emergency room. it turned out that mom's cancer had come back in June of the previous year, and she refused treatment. The cancer was spreading, and she needed to act immediately, She went through chemo, radiation, and a bunch of other shit, than her kidney failed, I wanted so badly to give her my kidney but we weren't a match, the only family member that was a match was my good for nothing father, and he did nothing. He could have cared less. In May she told the doctors, 'No more" and that she was done. She came home on May 3rd, and on Mother's day, May 9th she passed away. She had a heart-attack, and they could not resesistate *Spl* her. That day, I lost my very best friend in the whole world.

Now here I am, a couple of years later. I still grieve for the loss of my Daughter, and my Mother, but I am dealing with it, and coping with it, and trying to live my life the best I can. My memories of my Daughter and my Mother will always be in my heart, and I'll never forget them.

Life

Life right now has been hell. It has been throwing me all kind of obstacals, and to say the least I am not handling them very well. I am trying my hardest to keep from having a mental breakdown but I feel one coming on, and it scares me, because I have not felt this out of control with my life for a long time. (sigh)

I didn't sleep worth of shit last night. I had some of the worst nightmares ever. I woke up in a cold sweat about three times last night, it was just terrible...I had to get out of bed, and go outside to calm down. I can't ever remember being that scared from sleeping before with nightmares. It was terrible.

This morning I went to the store and bought some flowers, and brought them to the Cemetery and placed some at mom's grave, and some at Emily's grave. I cried, and cried, and talked, and than cried some more. I took a glance at my watch and realized that I had been there for over an hour, and decided to head back home. By the time I got home, I was all cried out, and now I just feel numb.

My entire house is clean, and I have laundry going, and I still feel like I can't do anything to keep me busy. I have to work on my teen site today, and that is going to be a challenge, since I am not feeling that strong today, but I have a commitment, and I have to hold up on my end. These kids are counting on me to help keep this site running, and I have to do it.

I have a home-made sauce going. I am making Chicken Parmesan for dinner tonight. It was one of mom's favorite meals in the world, and its one of the few things that I can cook and not screw up on. So that is what is for dinner tonight.

Well I guess thats all I have to share for today.

Depressed...

I am seriously so depressed today, I just feel like cutting so bad that I was actually shaking this morning. I didn't sleep worth of shit last night, and when I did, I had the worst nightmares ever, so I was pretty much up all freaking night. Now I am sitting here, getting ready to go to work, and my brother got into it again. I hate when we fight, because he can say some pretty mean things. I understand that brothers and sisters fight, but seriously, why does he have to hurt me like he does. I have tried my best to do what I can, but I always fall a mile short in his book. I just wish I wasn't a disappointment to people anymore. I don't want to go to work, becuase honestly, I feel like its going to be next to impossible to put on a mask and act like I'm okay, I feel like I am not going to be able to keep my cool when customers go off on me. I'm only working five hours, so I guess that is a good thing, maybe by the time I get home, daddy will be home, and we can talk, because, like always before he goes on a trip, it seems we get into it, and I stress and worry, What if he decides to go see someone, what if he decides on his car ride i'm not what he wants anymore. I'm just freaking out and trying to keep it all together, and try not to cry, but its very hard right now.

Can't stop crying....

I just can't stop crying right now. Daddy is leaving in the morning to go take his mom to his brother's and tonight we have ANOTHER freaking fight! All i wanted him to do was call me in the morning before he left, but clearly it would have been a waste since I probably wouldn't have answered...now I am sitting here crying. I just wanted to hear from him....</3 screw this I'm going to bed soon.

Today

Today has been bad. Beyond bad. My heart is breaking and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I miss mom. More than I can say right now. but I can't admit it. Sigh.

Ugh...

Finally I am off from work for a few days. My only goal the next few days, is rest, relax, and not stress. I need to take care of myself for the 1st time in a while. I just need a break from life, and stress. So my goal the next few days is just to rest, and relax.

Tonight I went to work, and it was just not good. I didn't feel welcome, or wanted there. I gave a friend home because she has a broken foot, and was riding a bike. I didn't even get a thank you, or anything, she gave me money for gas, but a Thank you would have made me feel better. maybe I am just being weird about it, but its just how I feel about the situation.

I'm sitting here, listening to some music, and on my teen support group website, answering some emails, and all I want to do is climb in bed and escape the world for a little while, so that is what I'm going to do. So if you don't see my publicly, shoot me a message, if I'm online, I'll reply.

I am running a fever again tonight. I know its because of the meds to help me pass these damn kidney stones. At least I think the infection is almost over....I am still in pain, but I am dealing with it...

WOW...I really need to stop listening to music....Herd a Song and now all I am thinking about is Emily....*Sigh* Its never going to get any easier, is it?

Oh well. Night...

Bad night

Last night was the worst night I have had in so long. I ended up crying myself to sleep last night. I missed Emily so much last night. More than I have in a very Long time. It just hit me like a ton of bricks Just out of no where. it hit me, and I could not get a hold of myself to save my life last night.

I watched Make it or break it Pretty much all night last night. It was the one thing that comforts me right now. I just can't seem to pull out of this hole. I just want to push everyone away right now. I want to be alone and deal with this on my own, because right now, I feel like no one in the WORLD understands the pain that I am feeling right now.

This morning I woke up, and the pain in my heart hurt so much that I didn't even want to call the one person who helps me through all of this pain. How terrible is that? Its one of the Worst feelings in the world, and I hate feeling this way. I hate not knowing if I am going to be okay.

Right now, I am just sitting here, avoiding conversation, afraid to open up, and trust again. Afraid to let someone in. Let someone else know the extent of my pain that I am feeling right now. Its been almost three years since I lost her. I should be over it by now. At least that is what everyone thinks, but if they were in my shoes, would they be over it? Maybe they would be. Maybe I am just too weak to let go, and move on, and deal with this....

My heart is breaking, and I just don't know what to do, or what to think or anything anymore. I just feel like the pain is never going to end, and that Its always going to hurt this bad. I would give anything to be free from this pain and this hurt that I am feeling right now. Its killing me inside, and I feel like I can't escape at all.

Life is not suppose to be this hard. Its not suppose to suck this bad. You should not wake up every morning, wishing you didn't. You shouldn't go through the day thinking, that life would be better for the people around you if you weren't in it.

Life is suppose to be a good experience, its suppose to be something Joyous with an occasion of bad shit. Not a life filled with bad shit, with the occasion of joyous experiences. I just want it to get better, and its not. And I'm starting to think it never will.

*sigh*

A Memory...

A memory...

My Daughter was Born on, September 4th, 2009, at 830 in the morning. She was a beautiful, healthy baby. Although my pregnancy was a very long one, she was born perfectly healthy. She was the apple of my eye, and she was my world. I Loved her very much, and not a day goes by that I don't think about her, and there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss my beautiful baby girl. She made me the happiest person in the world, and I Love her forever more. She was truly my angel.

Than that dreaded day came by, James was being an ass, he was never around, and I needed a few things from the store, so I figured before it got too late, I would go out and get the things that I needed. Mom was at work, so I had no choice to take my daughter with me. With the intention of going into walmart to pick up a few things, I walked out of there, with a two hundred dollar bill. The guy who helped me out to the car, loaded everything into my car, and gave me a hard time, when I offered to give him a tip.

I put my daughter in her car seat, and fasten my seat belt, and headed back towards home, hoping that mom would be home, to help me unload the car. Sitting at a red light, I looked in the back, and my daughter was fast asleep. She truly was an Angel.

Next thing I remembered I woke up in a hospital room. Unaware of anything that was going on. I see my mom sitting in the chair next to me. Her eyes are all puffy, and red. I remember asking for my Daughter, and she just shakes her head no, and I didn't really understand much. The doctors come back to my room, and give me something for the pain, that puts me right back to sleep.

When I finally woke up again, there were people in the room, James was sitting on the bed with me, holding my hand, he had tears in his eyes, he never cries, mom was still in the same spot where I had seen her the night before. James just holds me hand, and mom comes up on the other side of my bed, and kisses my forehead.

Than, mom tells me, that we were hit by a drunk driver, my Daughter was announced DOA, she did not suffer at all, and it was instant. I am unable to process anything, I have no idea what she is talking about. Drunk driver??? DOA??? Didn't suffer??? Instant??? I cry more, I scream but no words come out. After a short time, it finally hit me....My daughter is dead.

She is gone. How? Why? Why am I still here?? How is she dead, and I am still alive? We were both in the car, I was in the front seat. How did I survive and she didn't? I had so many questions. Its been a little over 2 years since the accident, and I don't have an answer to most of them.

I watched a Movie today, it was called "And than there was one" its about a family of three, that discovers they have AIDS, the baby, the father and the mother, and over time, the father and the baby become extremely sick, and eventually die from the disease....

My only comfort in losing my daughter, was I did not have to watch her die, and she did not suffer. She went peacefully. She didn't hurt, and she is not hurting now. She is with angels, and she is doing good. She will never know pain, and suffering, and for that, I am extremely grateful.

Tonight, my heart longs for her, and misses her, and I think about her, and I know that she is not suffering, and she is watching over me, and now she truly is my angel.

Abandonment issues

This post is a tough one. Its hard to explain it. Its hard to put into how I am feeling. I am suffering from severe abandonment issues. I am so afraid to get close to people right now, because lately it seems like whenever I get close to someone, they end of leaving me...Its so hard. I am trying to deal with it, but I am losing my hope right now. Its a main reason why I have been pushing Jim away. I figure, if I push him away, than he can't leave me. I am just struggling right now. 

I just hate that I am feeling this way. I hate that I am so scared to lose the people I Love, but look at my track history, people have been leaving me, left and right. Either walking away, or dying. I just am in a place in my life, where I am so unsure about the people in my life. Where I am not sure if I am going to be okay with being with someone, because in the back of my mind, after every fight, after every time someone leaves the house, I am so worried if they are going to come back or not.... 

Sigh, things are just very hard right now, and I am having a hard time expressing how I am truly feeling, without really upsetting anyone, so Lately I have been keeping quiet..... =(